For Better Or Worse: Our Journey Surviving an Affair

I didn't think I'd be writing about this already.
I had planned on writing a post about the amazing vacation that me and my entire family just took.
I even started writing it.
But... it just didn't feel right.

I started feeling God pulling at my heart last week.
At first I was like... "Umm wait! You want me to write about this already?? Are you sure??"
But after talking about it with my husband and much prayer, we know that He's sure.
So here we go...

Almost 2 years ago, my marriage suffered an affair.
It's funny how you never think that something bad like that could happen to you. Sometimes I'm still in shock. But, it happened.

I could go on and on about how stressed out our marriage was right before it happened, but I'm not going to. That really wasn't the issue.
And even though I still struggle with this, the issue wasn't me either.
Depression, low self esteem, and past emotional baggage helped in my husband making the biggest mistake of his life.

I'm convinced that there is no word in the human language to explain the kind of pain that it caused me. I think the only thing that could touch the pain would be loosing a child. And even so, I'm sure it's a different kind of pain.

Immediately after it came out, I was swamped with enormous pressure and stress. Biblically, I was allowed to divorce him, but what was I going to do??
I kept on picturing our sons (ages 2 and 9 months at the time), and what their lives would be like in both scenarios. I felt so responsible for their futures, and I was terrified of screwing them up.
This went on for a few days. My family was amazing during this time. They told me that they'd support any decision that I made... But the bottom line was that I had to make it.

Then, one night as I was praying, this huge realization hit me like a ton of bricks.
The decision of if I should stay with my husband or not, was actually NOT MINE.
If I was the sold out follower of Jesus Christ that I claimed to be, then this life decision, like all the others, was his, and his alone.

Surprising as this may sound, I was so relieved!!! Finally, all of this pressure was taken off of me. All I had to do now was to search God with all my heart, and he would direct my paths.
And you know what?? He did!!
His message rang loud and clear in my heart and mind.
Love him with my love, Lindsey. Stay with him, and love him with all that you've got.

And so, I did.
Don't get me wrong. It's been anything but easy. Loving him has been easier than the forgiving part, but even that is going good! (I could go on and on about forgiveness, but I think I'll save it for another post ;) )

The bottom line is that 2 years later, I am more in love with my husband than I ever have been.
One of my favorite parts about the vacation that we just went on, was the car trips. We drove to Pigeon Forge, Tennessee. Including bathroom breaks and stops for food, it took a good 8 1/2 hours to get there. I loved every minute of it (expect for when I wanted to scream from the kids whining ;) )
I got to spend it talking, laughing, singing songs at the top of our lungs, playing road trip games, and holding hands with my best friend. My husband.

 My favorite picture of me on vacation. Who am I smiling and laughing at? You guessed it :)

 

My favorite picture of my husband on vacation. This is what he looks like when I think of him. :)

I couldn't imagen my life without him. We do everything together.
The other day, I asked Bear a series of questions about "Mommy" that have been floating around Facebook. One of them was, "What is Mommy good at?" His answer was, " Throwing the Frisbee and playing ball with Daddy outside. That's all you're good at."
I laughed at the end part, but inside I was thrilled!! I'm so glad that he's noticing that Mommy and Daddy enjoy spending time together, even if it's just being silly together outside.

I'm sure that there will be many more posts in the future of this blog concerning our experience with surviving an affair, but for now, I'm glad the truth is out there.

Last night, as we were holding each other and just about to drop off to sleep, I told my husband that my love for him is deeper and sweeter than it ever has been, and he whole heartedly agreed.

Thank you Jesus for directing my paths, and despite the pain, making them so sweet. :)

One of my favorite pictures of us ever. This was taken after the affair. The plaque says it all.

The Duggars and Redemption in General

I was shocked as I'm sure that you were to hear the news of Joshua Duggar come out. To learn that child molestation was in his past at the age of 14 was not something that I thought to be possible.

There are so many thoughts that come to my mind when I think about this whole ordeal. The first one may be surprising to you.

It makes me like the Duggar's more

I have loved watching 19 kids and counting ever since the show started. They are such a wonderful HUGE family that are very inspiring and encouraging to watch. They were even the first family that got me interested in the idea of homeschooling my children.
But.... I always had one complaint. They seemed TOO PERFECT. Their children were always well behaved, their house clean, and they're 100% debt free. They seemed to find the perfect balance with their time as they found time to write books, speak at conferences, take missions trips, learn musical instruments, develop a deep relationship with Jesus AND have a hit show.
Don't forget to mention the way all of their children so far have chose to have the perfect courtship including not even kissing until their wedding day.

I don't know about you, but watching a "perfect" family on TV can be encouraging, but it can also make you feel a little less about yourself. I know the thought has crossed my mind that I wished that I had done things this way or that way like the Duggar's, but I hadn't.
It's a great testimony in living out your life the right way, but sometimes people need to know that you're relatable. That as a Christian, you are in fact not perfect, but just a sinner that God saved.


It is his own personal testimony

Josh Duggar was ONLY 14 when he made his huge mistakes and has since repented of them. He is a man now with his on family and 15 long years has passed since the fact. I find it horribly wrong that people are putting him down for mistakes he has done in the past. I understand it coming from non Christians (now a days they'll use anything and everything against us) but not from Christians.

This is a redemption story, and in all reality a huge part of his own personal testimony. He sinned, (and according to his family and police reports) and then repented and got counseling and/or mentoring and has been a changed creature in Christ ever since.

Why in the world are Christians putting him down? Everyone has sinned, and to God all sin is the same. This is something that I believe Christians now a days really struggle with. They seem to completely forget that once people have repented of what they had done, and are working hard on changing, that their job is to stand by them and be encouraging. In all reality sometimes it seems to be the opposite. They throw stones at you while you're already down because they are disappointed in you or what not.

I do not think that this is what God wanted, not at all.

Joshua Duggar has already shown great integrity by stepping down in his position with Family Research Council. I personally have nothing but prayers and support for him and his family as they wait to see what God has for them next. Who knows, maybe God will be able to really use his past now to minister to others. Our God is amazing at turning bad situations into some good.


I hope another network picks up their show

I hate it that TLC has canceled 19 Kids and Counting. It makes no sense to me that something that happened 15 years ago is the cause for their show canceling. It was a very popular show and I know that many people are going to miss getting to share life with this precious family, me included.


Anyways, that's my thoughts on the whole ordeal. I really pray that us as Christians can really understand redemption the way that God does.
We tell ourselves that God has taken OUR sins and has cast them into the bottom of the deepest sea, never to be remembered ever again, but we are the first to remember EVERYONE else's sins. We need to pray for compassion and love for others.

 

Will you join with me and pray for these things?

Easy Home Learning

Bear's preschool homeschooling curriculum came last week!! We are doing Before 5 in a Row.

 

So far it has been awesome!! We started with "Jesse Bear, What Will You Wear"

I can't tell you how many times he has asked me to read it to him. We have read it WAY more than the suggested five times. It's no wonder. The books that come with the curriculum are simply beautiful. The story lines are great and the pictures captivating.

Some of the books you receive with the curriculum 

Here is one of the activities we did with Jesse Bear. It was a big hit!

Dressing Jesse Bear

(if you are interested in this activity, here is the link http://preschool2prek.blogspot.com/2011/08/before-five-in-row-jesse-bear-and.html)

One of the things that the Five In a Row mind set has taught me is just how simple learning at home can really be. Before, I was pretty overwhelmed with what to use, how to do it, and just the hugeness of the undertaking. But now, it has made me realize that learning at home can happen all of the time in a gentle, fun manner.

Our main reason for choosing to homeschool is that we want our children to learn to love learning. We want them to cultivate a learning spirit that they will always have with them, far after they graduate.
In order to do that, I need to make learning normal and done as often as breathing (okay not that often, but you get the idea!)

Here are some of the things that we've been doing lately.

 

Cheerios and Daniel Tiger 

 



 Making Veggie Tales out of potatoes and talking about potatoes

 

 

 

 

Reading the Bible out loud to them while they're playing

 

 

I've only just scratched the surface with homeschooling, but I can already tell that it is making me a better mother. It has changed my whole out look on what my days should look like with my children. It has changed what I consciously think about talking with them.

 

On car trips, I used to just turn on the radio. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE music. There is absolutely nothing wrong with good wholesome music, but I don't turn it on as much. Instead I ask them about what they are seeing around them. If they seem interested, I may take the time to talk to them about how God made everything, or answer any questions they have.... which at 4 and 2, they have A LOT!!

 

I wake up more excited to spend the day with them and to gently learn things with them. You may be thinking, "well isn't she miss perfect!!!", and NO I am the furthest thing from it. I was literally counting down the hours till bedtime tonight. It was one of those days.

 

 

 

I am telling you this because even if you don't choose to homeschool, I do believe that learning always begins in the home, and I want you to realize what a joy it can be. It can be done in a relaxed manner that you can incorporate in your everyday life. 

 

So that's my two cents for now. I think I hear my bed calling my name. :)

 





Laughter is Truly the Best Medicine

A merry heart does good, like medicine, But a broken spirit dries the bones.

-Proverbs 17:22

 

One thing I am good at is laughing. My friends used to always get mad at me because I would ALWAYS laugh whenever they got hurt. Of course if they were really hurt I wouldn't have laughed.

 

                                        

This movie is soooo my humor

 

I get it honest though. All of the women in my family do it. I have to really bite my lip at times to keep from laughing when my children fall down or what not. The last thing I want to do is give them a complex!

Lately I have come up with an even better use for laughing. Extreme stress for me now normally results in laughter.... lots of it.

Tonight was one of "those" nights. My husband works for an elevator repair/maintenance/developing company. On occasion he has to work over and will miss dinner. I was expecting that this would be the case tonight and decided to fix waffles with some yogurt for dinner. On nights when I've had the kids all day to myself, I'm in need of an easy peasy dinner. 
The kids have been a little on the fussier side this week. Miss Boo is in the process of getting her first tooth (yay!!) and the other two just seem more tired than usual. I'm guessing they're growing... like always... ;)

While making the waffles, Miss Boo was loudly letting me know she was hungry in her pac-in-play, Bunkin was trying to wash the few dirty dishes that were in the sink and decided to start stabbing my new sponge with a knife, and Bear found the container of chips that I had not found the time to put away (imagine that) , on the table, and was happily munching away.
I hurriedly got the waffles done, slapped a waffle and yogurt on the plate for the boys, and tore up a piece for Miss Boo to start on. Things were going to finally be quiet right??? Wrong!!!

Never again will I consider waffles to be an "easy" dinner. Somehow in the craziness of things I had forgotten how Bear will completely and totally freak out if a part of his food tears or breaks before he wants it too. I have worked really hard on telling him that it still tastes exactly the same and that it's okay, but on nights when he's tired, there's no convincing him.
I eventually had to send him to time out because he was still screaming and crying hysterically after I tried to calm him down. While he was in time out (still screaming) Bunkin managed to fall off of his chair. This of course resulted in lot's of tears. While I was checking him over to make sure that he wasn't REALLY hurt, Miss Boo (whose waffle was gone) became very upset that Mommy wasn't shoveling food into her mouth every 5 seconds and screamed her little head off.

So one child in time out screaming and crying, one child crying his eyes out because he fell of his chair, and one impatient screaming baby all at the same time.

What did I do?? At first I started to cry. It had been a very long day and with no end in sight. But then.... I started to laugh, and laugh, and laugh.
Eventually things calmed down. I got Bear out of his foul mood by singing a silly kids song with funny voices and jazz hands, and the boys even helped me clean off the table when we were done.

This has been a trend in my life lately. I've been through huge amounts of stress in the last few years, and for the past year, I have taken to laughing about them.

Don't get me wrong, it's very involuntary. Most of the time I can't STOP laughing once I start. My husband of course teases me that I'm loosing my mind.... and maybe I am!

But I feel that in a way that it's something I've learned.

This saying is so true. I feel that through all of my trials, I've learned that all of it doesn't really matter. Life will go on. God will still be there. You can make it through ANYTHING with God on your side.

I feel I laugh as a stress relief, and because I know that in that moment, things are not as bad as they may seem. And they will get better.
God will make beauty out of ashes, if you allow him too.

We all know how good laughter is for you. In case you want a reminder here's a great link by the mayo clinic ---> http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/stress-management/in-depth/stress-relief/art-20044456?pg=1

Since I want you to experience some of the great benefits of laughter, I'll leave you with two funny things Bear has said this past week

1. My husband was going to drop me off at a store, and take the kids to another one, and when he told Bear that we were going to drop Mommy off at the store he said, "Are we going to go buy a new Mommy at the next store?? I like my Mommy!!"
2. It had been one of those long days and I was trying to get the dishwasher loaded when the boys came up and just HAD to have drinks right that second. I told them to hang on a minute, and when they continued to pester I made a low growl out of frustration. Bear said, "Use your words Mommy!"

Hope that made you laugh!! Till next time :)

You Know You're a Mom When....

 

 

My husband and I just bought a brand new washer and dryer set!! The first new ones we've ever bought.

With three small kids, I spend a lot of my life doing laundry... don't we all?? You know you're a mom when... getting a new washer and dryer is the highlight of your year. Okay maybe not year, but it's probably close (wink)
It got me to thinking, what else makes you realize that you're a mom?? With Mother's Day being tomorrow, I've come up with a list that I think is fitting. Feel free to add your own.


You know you're a mom when.....


Hearing the word Mom out of your baby's mouth for the first time produces smiles/tears

Hearing the word Mom out of your child's mouth for the umpteenth time that day produces hair loss/insanity

Talking about bodily functions at the dinner table is the norm

You don't go to the bathroom while out unless accompanied with a child

 

You laugh way more than you used to

The greatest fear you will ever know is when you think you're child is in danger
Side story... When Miss Boo was born, she wasn't breathing. My labor progressed rapidly when they broke my water. I went from 7 cm to 10 cm in three contractions. I then pushed her out in half a push. (no joke just ask my doctor) Because of how fast everything went, she went into shock. I held her for a second and then they took her from me. The next thing I knew, the nurse had pushed the panic button and literally 12 nurses came rushing into our room.
Talk about fear. They wouldn't tell me what was going on, and everyone avoided eye contact with me. My husband became my rock as he told me over and over that everything was going to be okay as I tried not to hyperventilate.
In the end, everything was fine. She just needed a little help from the nurses and a little extra kangaroo time with Mommy (Oh darn... :) )

When getting out by yourself, even if you're just going to the store, feels like a mini vacation

 

The majority of the food you eat that is supposed to be hot, is cold

You don't care about making a fool of yourself to get your child to laugh

You know a ton of cartoon show's songs by heart

You have heard any song from the movie Frozen enough to make your ears bleed

 

You feel over the moon when your child accomplishes something new.. and maybe a tiny bit sad that they're growing up so fast

You realize who your true friends are
Side thought... Not to sound negative, but it's the truth. When you have a family, time is VERY precious and you have to prioritize what is most important to you. It also becomes obvious who really wants to spend time with you because they will do their best to make time for you as well.

You become a master thrift shopper

 

You become an enforcer of the 5 second rule

 

You spend a lot of weekends in, snuggling and having family time

Spending some money on yourself is a rarity

You master the "tone"/finger snap/look to get your child to behave

You become more protective and dare I say feisty towards people who oppose your children/family

You know what nights children eat free at each restaurant

You have a zoo membership or are at least considering it

You have a "stash" in your vehicle for emergencies (and if you don't you should)
Side story... Recently my husband had an appointment that we thought was going to last about 20 minutes. We we're going on a date and dropping the munchkins off at my sisters afterwards, so to save time we all went.
HA. The 20 minute appointment turned into a hour and a half due to the amount of people in front of him. My kids like TV some, but the older they get the less they like it. Which in all reality is a good thing, but not when you're stuck in the car FOREVER!! I about lost my mind. When my husband came out, he found Bear playing with his tape measurer (who would have thought something so random would entertain him), and Mommy entertaining Bunkin and Miss Boo with Mr. Pull Up (my desperate version of a puppet) I vowed to always keep a stash of books, toys, coloring books, crayons etc. in the glove department of our van from now on.

You end up with spit up/poop/food/boogers/something on your clothes every time you're out in public

Christmas morning has never been more exciting for you

You go out on a date and still end up talking about your kids

Your floors have never been dirtier, and in all reality they should be at their cleanest

You end phone conversations with "I HAVE TO GO" on numerous occasions

You forget to reply to a text message and don't realize it until days later

 

You have sympathy for that Mom in the grocery store/church/restaurant with the loud unhappy kid because you've been there.

People stare at you when you "are there"
Side thought... at first it used to mortify me when people would stare at me when my kids acted up in public. It still does a little, but now I have a hard time not leveling them with a look. It's not easy having three kids this close together and odds are, someone is not going to be happy. If they understood, they wouldn't be looking! I guess it's another part of my Mama Bear coming out in me ;)
(You can pray for that for me lol)

The kids get bathed more often than you do

When your child is born and you gain even more respect for your own Mom

You realize that even though this is literally the hardest job in the world, you wouldn't trade it for anything.

Happy Mother's Day!! Enjoy your day, you deserve it :)

Bed Bugs and a Deteriorating Spine

I haven't wrote in a while and there's a reason for that. It's been a bad week.


Let me rephrase that. It's been one of the worst weeks I've ever had. Trust me, I've had a lot of them.


If I were to tell you everything that has happened in my life in the past two years, you would probably try to check me into a mental hospital. On really bad occasions, the thought has even crossed my mind.


But I'm not going to emotionally vomit on you  bore you with the story of my life (that sounds like a good name for a song... yes it's late. Hello my name is Lindsey and I'm corny)


I will however tell you about my week. It started off with me hurting my back. Bear was at a sleepover at Nana and Papa's house and when it came time for Bunkin to go to sleep in their room, he was terrified. He did not want to be by himself. So I layed/sat beside his bed until he fell asleep.


BIG MISTAKE
I could barely walk the next day.


That night we figured out why I had been getting bit ever since we moved into our town house clear back in October.
I thought I was crazy. I kept on waking up with bug bites on me. My husband and I share a bed (I know.. shocker right??) and he wasn't ever getting bitten. If you ask one of my brother-in-laws, he would tell you that I just have bugs. For some horribly odd reason, bugs love my blood. I am AWLAYS the one getting numerous bug bites whenever outside with a group of people. I must have the same blood type as my mom because she has the same problem.


Anyways, we had searched and searched and couldn't find any culprits for all of my annoying bites, until earlier this week when we found bed bugs. We didn't have them before we moved, so I'm assuming the tenant before us left us a lovely present....
So I started sleeping on the couch because I just couldn't fathom sleeping in the bed until the problem got taken care of. Which in turn made my back feel worse.


I finally went to the chiropractor on Thursday. By that point I was in excruciating pain and my entire left leg and foot was numb and tingling constantly. I was told that it was probably a slipped disc and to ice it and keep coming back for treatments.


When I went in Friday, the doctor sat me down to look over my X-Rays. It showed that the disc between my 3rd and 4th lumbar was in fact herniated and it was causing sciatica. The disc space between the two lumbars was only half the space it should be. He said that they would do their best to get it better.
I didn't think the news could get worse. It did. The disc between my 4th and 5th lumbar had completely deteriorated and my lumber's were actually touching. I was told that there was nothing that they could do for me, that the damage was already done.


I am 24 years old. They normally only see this in 50 to 60 year olds. To put it lightly, I was feeling rather devastated. Being healthy is important to me and to have someone say that part of your spine has already deteriorated is just mind blowing.


Why am I telling you all of this??
Two reasons really.

1. I can't just write fluff. I have a desire to write about REAL life. My life. I would be doing you and myself a great disservice if I decided to only write funny, frilly things.
2. I want to tell you what's going on in my life for prayer and to share what I'm clinging to. If there's one thing I've learned in my 24 years, it's that hardships develop character. What kind of character? That all depends on you.

I'm clinging to the fact that God is good and that he loves me. I don't always feel those things, but that's when I have to dig in even deeper and say


I know that God is good.
I know that God loves me.


Some days are hard. I've had days where I don't want to get out of bed. Days where I wonder what in the world God is doing. Days where I feel hopeless and alone. Days where I don't believe that things will ever get better. I've cried until my eyes were swollen shut. I've screamed at the top of my lungs at God. I've had to take antidepressants. I've had to get counseling.


And you know what?? It's okay. If you have ever done/needed those things, it's okay too.


Job went through way more than any of us, and God still found him blameless even though he questioned God and wanted to die. Why?? Because Job loved God and he knew that he knew that he knew that he knew that God loved him too. And he trusted God, no matter what.


So I don't know where you're at in life. Maybe everything is picnics and roses. But someday it may not be. I encourage you to dig deep into God. He is the only one who will never let you down. He never changes. You can trust in him.


Even though always trusting him can be hard, I know that's what I strive to do, and I pray that you will too.

Children Live Here

It's been a while. We've all had some bad colds around here so I've been busy concentrating on breathing, sleeping and surviving. Unfortunately writing has been low on the priority list.

Monday was the day before all of the colds hit full force. I felt like God showed me something that was beautiful.
I had just finished rocking Miss Boo to sleep and laying her in her crib, when I noticed the boys' room on the way out of my room. No other way to put it, it was a mess. We/they had spent a lot of the morning playing in their room and I hadn't enforced the clean up rule when they were done.

The clean up rule is something that I always strive to do, but to be honest, life happens. Someone starts crying, someone needs changed, the phone rings, I realize it's 12:30 and we haven't eaten lunch yet... something along those lines. Sound familiar at all??
I can't neglect the needs of my small children to clean up a room first, and I don't think I should lol.

Anyways, it was a mess. I sighed. I always try to get Bear and Bunkin down for quiet time right after Miss Boo falls asleep, and a room full of toys everywhere is not the best way to get them to stay in their beds. :)

And that's when I heard a whisper. It was one word.

Beautiful

God caught me right in the middle of my complaining spirit and gave me a reality check.
What I saw was yet another mess to clean up.
What he saw was a beautiful reminder of three little children that he loves even more than I can understand. For a moment I felt his love for them, and for me, and it was indescribable.

It was like he was saying, "Quit freaking out over the constant messes. They're kids!! I created them that way!! Enjoy them!! Your kids and their messes will soon be gone and I just want you to embrace it!"

So I took them upstairs to their room and let them play for a few minutes before we cleaned up a little. I wanted to capture the moment. And looking at it, it is quiet beautiful.

After that, I decided to look around my home to see other indications that children live here. I wanted to test myself with what my normal response might be, and what I felt God's response would be. Here are the pictures I took.

                                            Finger prints all over the front door

What I saw: Awe man!! I hate cleaning windows. I think it is literally impossible to keep windows clean while having little kids. Why should I even clean them? They'll be dirty by the end of the day anyways (wink)

What God saw: The reminder that two little boys were standing on a stool waiting for their Daddy to come home. :)

 

Crayola Crayon on the back door

 

 

What I saw: Another window to clean!!! Ahhhh!!! Why did I buy them these for Easter???

 

What God saw: Two little boys who had a blast (their Mommy had fun too)



 

 

 

 

The shelf by the front door

 

 

What I saw: The self is over taken by my kids. An overflowing crate of children's library books and an overstuffed diaper bag.

What God saw: The shelf is over taken by her kids!! (wink) Keep on reading to them, it is SOO important.

 

 

 

Miss Boo asleep in my room

 

 

What I saw: No privacy!!! 9 months of stubbing toes, whispering prayers goodnight, and having to be quiet in general ;)

 

What God saw: Look at that precious baby sleeping. I created her in your womb, and I know every hair (or lack their of) on her head. 



 

 

What I found in my bed

 

 

What I saw: Ok, I honestly laughed at this one. You never know what you'll find.

 

What God saw: Hey, she's laughing. I got her on one!!!

 

 

 

What I found on my bathroom counter

 

 

What I saw: This stuff is amazing!! It actually works and helps me to relax .

 

What God saw: She deserves this. Being a Mommy is one of the toughest jobs I created.

 

 

 

What evidence of children do you see when you look around your home?? What does God see??