The Mommy Zone

There is something that every mother develops little by little over time after she welcomes her second child home. Her own inner "zone" that she goes to when she feels like screaming and crying. Maybe I had it when it was just Bear.... it's honestly hard to recall only having one kid lol.

I can remember the first day that it was just me, Bear and Bunkin. I was TERRIFIED. I obviously knew how to take care of a baby, and a 20 month old.... but not at the same time!! My husband had wonderfully taken a few days off after Bunkin came home, and then my mom came and helped off and on for a few days after that, but eventually, I had to be all on my own.

It was lunch time. Bear was crying, Bunkin was crying, and I was crying! I ended up calling my mom to have her talk me through who to feed first, and how to get it done quickly because I felt like I was going to pass out!

Oh how I've grown since then.

I'll also never forget the first evening that we didn't have dinner delivered to us when Boo was born. (If you are pregnant, PLEASE line up some people to bring you food that first week the baby is home. You have enough going on to worry about dinner time. I'll gladly bring you something to eat!)

Anyways... time had gotten away from me (hmm I wonder how??) and suddenly everyone was HUNGRY including Miss Boo, which also meant everyone was howling their faces off.
I went into desperate mode and started to make the boys some fried eggs. My husband tried to calm everyone down, but they were having none of it.
I was so frantic that I forgot to put oil in the pan first, and when I went to check on the eggs, they were burning and smoking horribly.
So now, I have three screaming children, a smoky house, and a frazzled mom and dad. I threw the pan in the sink, slapped some peanut butter on some bread, threw some chips on a plate, and let the boys watch their favorite show while they ate their nutritious dinner. ;)
I wearily sat down with Miss Boo so that she could nurse. I look over at my husband, and we just loose it. We go into complete hysterical laughter. I think we were both thinking, "What in the world did we do??" ;)

But, the mommy zone is like any muscle. The more you use it, the stronger it gets. When everyone is hungry at the same moment, I don't even bat an eye anymore. When I'm trying to use the bathroom and Bunkin sneaks in to turn on the sink to play in it, Bear is opening the door to see if Daddy is home yet, and I remember that I forgot to put the pack-in-play in front of the stairs (our makeshift gate) and Miss Boo is zooming up them, I usually just sigh.

Sometimes though... it gets tested. Like yesterday for example.

I had decided that we would eat our afternoon snack of grapes and milk outside today since it was so nice. The only thing I didn't account for was the bees that were hungry for grapes too.
Apparently, Bunkin is TERRIFIED of bees. I mean total freak out including screaming, shaking and crying uncontrollably. I literally had to shove all three of the kids inside and close the door because they were frozen in fear. I left the grapes outside, the bees could have them!!

I ushered the still crying boys into the living room and told them to sit down and calm down while I got them more grapes.
I went back to the kitchen to find that Miss Boo had pulled one of the bags of grapes off of the counter (two were sitting there),and they had spilled all over the floor where she was trying to eat them. MAJOR chocking hazard. I scooped her up and placed her in her high chair with some sliced grapes to munch on.
I get the boys their grapes and hope that they will calm down. It appeared they might until a fly landed on Bunkin's hand. Holy Moly, I have never seen a child so distraught. He of course thought it was a bee, and no matter how hard I tried to convince him, he refused to believe that it wouldn't hurt him. He kept on repeating, "Shoot him mommy. Get him." I of course would have, (killed it, not shoot it ;) ) but the fly was no where in sight.
He climbed on my lap and continued to scream and cry for what felt like forever. It didn't help that Bear kept on saying "I think I see the fly!!" He was legitimately concerned for his brother, but had no idea he was making it 10 times worse. Miss Boo has also become an empathetic crier. Anytime one of her brothers cries, she has to wail too.

That's when my phone went off. My sister was asking if we could watch her kids while her and her husband ate and grocery shopped alone. (We had owed her babysitting for MONTHS now, and every time she asked, it never worked out.)
A light bulb went off in my head, I could get Bunkin away from the fly, and me from the crying!!!!

I try to get things ready, but Bunkin wants me to carry him around everywhere because he is still so scared. I get the keys and Bear puts his shoes on, but then I notice that we are missing one of Bunkin's shoes. (It's ALWAYS one shoe) I go upstairs to search, and in the meantime misplace the keys I just had in my hands. The climbing all over me and screaming were a teeny bit distracting.

I decided that I'll take the kids to the van, and come back in and find them. I couldn't think with all the noise. I pick up Miss Boo and try to usher the boys outside, but Bunkin refuses to follow unless I carry him. He sits by the door screaming like a banshee until I come back to get him. He is not a light little fellow either. By this point, I'm sweating like crazy, my mommy zone was starting to scream a little too loudly, and I notice that I'm trying not to whimper lol.

I come back in and search for a good few minutes till they finally turn up. That's when I hear the high pitch screaming coming from the van. I run out there, and Bear informs me that he saw a bee on the window, and of course told Bunkin all about it.
By this point, I'm hoping to get out of the house before Child Services shows up. Our neighbors aren't too bad, but it was an awful amount of screaming lol.

I finally pull out of the driveway, and notice that I'm shaking all over, and gripping the steering wheel a little too tightly lol.

My mommy zone sure had a work out yesterday. Maybe it knows it needs to get stronger for when our newest addition arrives this March :)

(Oh and we returned home late last night with grapes still all over the floor ;) )

Living Defeated

I haven't posted in a while. I love writing about things that make people laugh. Honestly, I love laughing. It's very involuntary sometimes.... just ask my family. ;)

But the last few weeks have been really hard for me. It all started with a picture, one that I allowed to cause me pain.

It sent me down a spiral that wasn't pretty. Through everything that I've been through the last couple of years, I would get mad at God for a moment, and then turn everything back over to him. This time, I hate to admit, I got mad and stayed mad.

Even though I know who created me and that I am beautiful and wonderful in his eyes, I still struggle with feeling like trash and not enough for anyone.

Because I am crazy ;) and have 3 small kids and one on the way, I have a hard time finding time for devotions and prayer, and I started beating myself up for that too. I decided that my efforts were not good enough, so I wasn't going to do it at all.

I tried to withdraw from everyone, including my husband, but he was having none of it. He would pray for me, play encouraging songs for me, and just hold my hand and tell me that he was there for me. It meant more than he knows.

But, God, as always, broke through my anger. He whispered truth into my hurting heart.

The enemy would say... "Your obviously not good enough" He would say... "You are my peculiar treasure and I love you."

The enemy would say... "You are an awful friend, that's why you don't have very many" He would say... "You are a great friend. You've always wanted to help people. How could you understand them without ever feeling pain yourself?"

The enemy would say... "God has abandoned you." He would say... "I will never leave you nor forsake you. Don't mistake me for the actions of others and the hard circumstances of life."

In a nut shell, I had been living defeated. I don't want to anymore, and I don't have to anymore.

One of the songs my husband played for me is this the one I posted above. The first time I listened to it, I didn't like it because I didn't want to hear it. Now... it's my new favorite song.

Just know that if you are living defeated, you don't have to either. I hope you enjoy the song :)