I had planned on writing a post about the amazing vacation that me and my entire family just took.
I even started writing it.
But... it just didn't feel right.
I started feeling God pulling at my heart last week.
At first I was like... "Umm wait! You want me to write about this already?? Are you sure??"
But after talking about it with my husband and much prayer, we know that He's sure.
So here we go...
Almost 2 years ago, my marriage suffered an affair.
It's funny how you never think that something bad like that could happen to you. Sometimes I'm still in shock. But, it happened.
I could go on and on about how stressed out our marriage was right before it happened, but I'm not going to. That really wasn't the issue.
And even though I still struggle with this, the issue wasn't me either.
Depression, low self esteem, and past emotional baggage helped in my husband making the biggest mistake of his life.
I'm convinced that there is no word in the human language to explain the kind of pain that it caused me. I think the only thing that could touch the pain would be loosing a child. And even so, I'm sure it's a different kind of pain.
Immediately after it came out, I was swamped with enormous pressure and stress. Biblically, I was allowed to divorce him, but what was I going to do??
I kept on picturing our sons (ages 2 and 9 months at the time), and what their lives would be like in both scenarios. I felt so responsible for their futures, and I was terrified of screwing them up.
This went on for a few days. My family was amazing during this time. They told me that they'd support any decision that I made... But the bottom line was that I had to make it.
Then, one night as I was praying, this huge realization hit me like a ton of bricks.
The decision of if I should stay with my husband or not, was actually NOT MINE.
If I was the sold out follower of Jesus Christ that I claimed to be, then this life decision, like all the others, was his, and his alone.
Surprising as this may sound, I was so relieved!!! Finally, all of this pressure was taken off of me. All I had to do now was to search God with all my heart, and he would direct my paths.
And you know what?? He did!!
His message rang loud and clear in my heart and mind.
Love him with my love, Lindsey. Stay with him, and love him with all that you've got.
And so, I did.
Don't get me wrong. It's been anything but easy. Loving him has been easier than the forgiving part, but even that is going good! (I could go on and on about forgiveness, but I think I'll save it for another post ;) )
The bottom line is that 2 years later, I am more in love with my husband than I ever have been.
One of my favorite parts about the vacation that we just went on, was the car trips. We drove to Pigeon Forge, Tennessee. Including bathroom breaks and stops for food, it took a good 8 1/2 hours to get there. I loved every minute of it (expect for when I wanted to scream from the kids whining ;) )
I got to spend it talking, laughing, singing songs at the top of our lungs, playing road trip games, and holding hands with my best friend. My husband.
My favorite picture of me on vacation. Who am I smiling and laughing at? You guessed it :)
My favorite picture of my husband on vacation. This is what he looks like when I think of him. :)
I couldn't imagen my life without him. We do everything together.
The other day, I asked Bear a series of questions about "Mommy" that have been floating around Facebook. One of them was, "What is Mommy good at?" His answer was, " Throwing the Frisbee and playing ball with Daddy outside. That's all you're good at."
I laughed at the end part, but inside I was thrilled!! I'm so glad that he's noticing that Mommy and Daddy enjoy spending time together, even if it's just being silly together outside.
I'm sure that there will be many more posts in the future of this blog concerning our experience with surviving an affair, but for now, I'm glad the truth is out there.
Last night, as we were holding each other and just about to drop off to sleep, I told my husband that my love for him is deeper and sweeter than it ever has been, and he whole heartedly agreed.
Thank you Jesus for directing my paths, and despite the pain, making them so sweet. :)
One of my favorite pictures of us ever. This was taken after the affair. The plaque says it all.
